"TALES FROM THE TRASH CAN": Settling The Score.

I was reading this article about this writer for Esquire who wrote an article deriding shitty lays. At first I was like, "burn the witch"..but after reading comments, I thought, "I think that I AM this guy". My last blog detailed a shitty exploit that left me more than disappointed. But is it trashy of me to write about it? I mean, this is a blog. Does it make ME seem unaware and entitled? I mean, it was a shitty shitty lay, and honestly, I'm really not that picky in bed. I'm not..I'm not!! On top of it, I'm not even an uber-sexual person. I can take it or leave it. Ugghh to even the score and lend vindication for this shitty lay and clear my name, I'll put MYSELF on blast..

1. One time during a fight with my ex I told him he had a small dick (which isn't true), and in retribution he told me that I had a big gaping hole of a vagina. That was something that stuck with me our whole relationship and sometimes when we had sex I would wonder, "..is my vagina a big gaping hole?!" I find it pretty hilarious and have absolutely no idea if my vagina is a big gaping hole (!!!!!I'm laughing so fucking hard right now)..I haven't had any complaints about it, but my sex partners could just be very nice.

2.Dead fish. Maybe my ex was just verbally abusive and it's in hindsight that I'm realizing it, but he called me a dead fish once.

3.I have huge teeth and sometimes (rarely) they get in the way of a good blow job..

4.I'm not a long-distance hand job giver. Don't have the stamina for it.

5.I lost my virginity to this guy I had a crush on for awhile and I REFUSED to go down on him. I'm not sure why, but I feel badly about that now. I really just had sex because I didn't want to be a virgin anymore. No sentimentality, virginity just wasn't my thing anymore.

So there you go..I'm sure there's more, but whatever.

YOU. CANNOT. FUCK.

This month fucking BLOOOOWWWSSSSS so hard. This was my worst month with men ever. EVER. Not only did I have a few run ins with psychopaths of the male variety, I had one of the worst sexual experiences ever. 

A few weeks ago I decided to hang out with {redacted}. Now, {redacted} and I get along very well in a "hanging out" way, but the man is old enough to be my father and (thankfully) I do not have daddy issues. I'm just not into dating someone that old. Anyway, we went out to Blackbyrd one Sunday, I got a little drunk off of a few Old Fashioneds. He dropped me off at my place and I decided to invite him up. I did this for a few reasons. 

1.Boredom. I was bored and it had been awhile since I last fucked, so why not.

2.Curiosity. A man of his age should be able to fuck, right?

So he comes up, oohs and ahhs about how badass my apartment is, then lays on my bed. My bed is fucking amazing. I call it my "marshmallow bed"...he dies and becomes one with my mattress. So we make out and immediately, I reach for the lights...I NEVER FUCK WITH THE LIGHTS OFF. EVER. But I was sooo many kinds of "not into this" that I had no choice...still, curiosity abounded and I commenced to whatever...

Worst lay of my life. Worst lay in the history of lays. Actually, it was neck and neck with some of the earlier sex days of my ex and I...before he learned that you don't ram your dick all the way into a girl fast nor do you lay your whole body ontop of her head (?)...but he was in his twenties and I was like, his second girlfriend. No excuse for bad sex when you are over the age of 25. Now I will admit, sometimes I am lazy in bed. I don't like being on top unless the guy I'm with has a big dick and I prefer getting fucked from behind..but when I'm into it, I'm fucking into it and my oral skills more than make up for any sort of ennui that may present itself in certain cases...Oh yeah, that's another thing..HE HAS A BIG DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK. He couldn't kiss, couldn't finger, shitty oral skills and could not fuck his way out of a ziploc bag...but was over the age of 40. So wrong..so fucking wrong. I couldn't even hide how lame it was..I went to the bathroom, peed and pulled the "I gotta get up early" card. He got the hint and got the fuck out like a good boy. So lame. SOOOOOO LAME. But this is even lamer..he keeps text messaging me. If there were ever a time to pray for a "bang and bounce" it'd be now. Even though I am a stone cold bitch whose emotions in regards to the courting process of the opposite sex died a long time ago, I still have a hard time being a giant cunt about this, so I give one word answers, like "fine". I mean, if you are THAT selfish and unaware in bed, what else do we have to talk about. I don't care enough to have the "I just want to be friends talk". I don't know if I've ever had that talk with a guy, actually..maybe with Jeff that one time a million years ago...I just don't care and I don't owe anyone anything...still, I can't go balls out and say, "you can't fuck, leave me alone"...that's begging for drama. I guess I'll just stick with my original plan and ignore his text messages. That's the nicest thing that I can do.