AQUARIAN LOVE

Who says Aquarians can't make it work?

So {NR} and I are supposed to go out to dinner next week. I'm retarded excited because I really fucking missed him and have seen the error of my fucked up ways. I was such an asshole to him, and in hindsight, I really did not give him many options other than dumping my ass. Let's count the myriad ways that I was a dick to him, shall we?

1. I gave my number to a dude in front of him.

2. I told him that we couldn't make out in public because I didn't want to cock-block myself (I also added, "I'm a hot, young, single girl in the city").

3. One time I walked with him to the metro and he kissed me. He called me out on the no PDA clause, and I told him I didn't see any guys that I wanted to bang, so it was okay. 

4. He told me that if he met another girl, he'd tell her he had a girlfriend..I asked him why he'd do that.

There's more..but I can only stand so much asshole..anyway, I DID NOT think that he'd agree to go to dinner with me..god, I was such a douchebag..I was having a conversation with my aunt last week that slapped my ego right the fuck off. She called me an asshole. I hadn't talked to her in awhile, and when she asked me whether or not I was dating, I let the flood gates open. She "read me for filth"..She told me that I was in complete denial about my true feelings for {NR}. I was shocked as shit. She then said something that took some time to reconcile. "You were in a relationship and you didn't even know it." Was I? Sure, I almost beat a bitch down for touching him, smashed glasses at his bar when I thought that someone was fucking with him and I'd get the sads whenever he left my apartment..but does that a relationship make? Hmm..anyway, I'm pretty stoked about dinner..I have no clue what I'm going to say...maybe something to the effect of, "I'm about to be sooo real with you right now that your head may explode.." I just know that I have been riding the cray-cray train since we "broke up", and I'm ready to get off. 

So now I've passed the point of excitement and entered the "oh shit, what now" place. I don't want to drop the bf/gf monikers, but I know that I'm just not interested in anyone else, and would like for him to not be interested in anyone else either..but then I think, "he's going to be sooooo busy soon..why would he want a semi-gf anyway? oh god! This dinner's going to be in vain! And then he's going to pull the "your'e awesome, but" bullshit..oh god, what if he was fucking someone else? What if he's fucking someone else now?" But I must say, those thoughts aren't as prevalent as the "oh my god, I can't wait to see him and tell him everything and then have him tell me that he still likes me and then we agree to start seeing each other "again" and everything's awesome and we go back to my place and FUCK. ALL. NIGHT." 

It's strange..I know why I like him, but there are also parts of why I like him that are completely beyond explanation. When I saw him last Thursday, I felt this overwhelming need to fuck his face..He looked so goddamn good. Jesus. I also just wanted to be around him, but turned into a crazy weirdo and couldn't say anything to him. I talked to him a little bit via text on Friday, but it was very wooden. I mean,  we joked a little bit, but I was very dissatisfied. So after talking to my aunt, and her calling me an asshole, I decided that I should probably do something about all of this. Sunday I grew some balls and sent him another text:

"Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up next week for dinner?"

"yeah sure. my schedule is pretty crazy right now but i usually have some nights off. when's good for you?"

"I have Monday and Tuesday night off for sure and maybe Thursday."

"did you mean next week, like after labor day? this week is kind of nuts for me."

"I meant what's now this week, but we can do next week. I'm not sure what my work schedule is yet, but I'm sure I can figure something out."

"okay cool. i could definitely do next Thursday.."

"Okay, let's do next Thursday."

"sounds good."

"Awesome"

As I said, I DID NOT expect that shit in any way. I expected this:

"Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up next week for dinner?"

::3 Hours later::

"pretty busy, don't think I can anytime soon."

Or:

::RADIO SILENCE INTO PERPETUITY::

So, suffice to say, I'm beyond stoked. I'm sorry, but you don't turn your back on amazing sex, mental simpatico and mutually receptive humor. You just don't..Unless you're {NR}, and the prospect being chopped the fuck up by the girl you like trumps deep throating. 

So now I have to decide where I want him to meet me. Oh yes, I'm going to be "the dude" in this situation because my asshole-ish-ness calls for it. I wanna take him somewhere nice, get a bottle of wine and let the feelings floooooowwwww..lol..and then maybe fuck after. I'm going to do my damnedest to try and steer him away from 14th st and AdMo...as I've said throughout this blog, I'm so stoked. Hopefully he's open to trying again..I like him a retarded amount.

"It's not like I care..": STREET CARP AND THE ACT OF DESTRUCTION.

"...but you're that girl..."

So I had a good solid awesome month of hanging out with and fucking {name redacted}. Best sex ever. Hands down. Super cool guy. Things started getting intense fast and we had to break shit off..no big deal. Did it suck? Yes. There are few things on this Earth that will turn a usually sentient woman into a crying mess than being denied the ability to continually experience the greatest vaginal orgasm she's ever had. My vagina mourned his dick for a good month. Anyway, he bartends at {name redacted}, and a few weeks ago I got WASTED, thrown out and into a screaming match with another guy who works there. Dude ended up SCORCHED EARTHING ME!! What is "scorched earth", you ask? "Scorched earth" is a phrase I use for the act of destroying someone's life/character. It's like putting out a burn notice on a spy. It's the act behind the words, "you're dead to me". So this guy spread some exaggerated rumors about me to his coworkers and some mutual acquaintances, PLUS wrote an insanely immature Facebook post about me..I'm sure it got back to {name redacted}, which hurts me, in a way. Not because I was hoping for some sort of reconciliation (we're both Aquarians, which means NOTHING will be settled..no "we're done" talks..back doors to everything..), but I hate feeling as though my actions or consequences are negatively affecting someone else's life..he's a good dude and I would hate to fuck up his rep. because of a drunken night and an immature guy with a chip on his shoulder. Anyway, I found out that {name redacted} quit working at the bar. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard. Great. Did my tendencies for self-destruction spill over into his life? Is he now known as the dude who fucked that crazy "trifling whore"?  Maybe the red tape is lifting and he can now devote more time to opening up his own place. He had talked about leaving that bar anyway. Probably because his ex still works there though..I don't know..I just can't help but feel badly..I feel as though that's been a main theme for us anyway..circumstances and people. I was soo livid when I found out that that random guy went to {NR}'s bar and told him that he, "wasn't good enough for me, didn't deserve me and couldn't wait for him to fuck things up." Was it shitty timing? Should we not have told people we were "hanging out (fucking)"? Things just felt really comfortable..until they didn't..and shit started getting weird. Then we both got freaked out, anxious and angry...and a "few weeks break" turned into, "Oh yeah..." Which is fine...I'll forever pull "whatever, I don't care," even if I actually do..it's just so much easier than sussing out all of those things..what are they called? Oh, feelings...I still can't admit to myself that I liked him more than just fucking..it's like doing so would be breaking some sort of "bro code" that I have with myself. Whatever..I'm just a serial bachelorette. I can fuck..I can be your friend..but as soon as I hear the word girlfriend...nice to know you! The night that he said he needed a break (jesus), started with the word "girlfriend"...we agreed that all that the both of us could handle was fucking. Then I asked him if he was sleeping with other people (NOT for possessive purposes, but STD awareness)..he said no..I gave him a look of disbelief..

"I'm not..I'd tell you if I were..and even if I met a girl, I'd tell her I HAD A GIRLFRIEND.."

"...why would you do that?!"

"I think we need a break.."

The word "girlfriend" triggers some PTSD-esque reaction..like a war vet, I'm transported back to a hellish time when I hear it..

So anyway, we just stopped talking..which is definitely for the best..if there's a possibility that I'm fucking with this dude's life by proxy, imagine what it would be like if things got really intense...I mean, I pushed a girl for dancing with him and accidentally smashed glasses at his bar...he triggered my girlfriend crazy faster and deeper than any other guy..I can only name two other men that have driven me "girlfriend crazy"..shit does not end well. Hopefully his departure from that bar has NOTHING to do with fallout from my silly situation..and hopefully we're cool and once he gets his bar up and running, I can go there and not break anything.