"Summed up PERFECTLY."
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL TWO OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS THAT READ THIS BLOG!!!!!!!
I'm so delighted that it's 2013. It feels so fresh already. I can't do a 2012 recap right now, because I'm hungover and don't want my brain to explode after trying to process all of the fucked up shit that occurred last year. I have hope for 2013, I truly do. I have goals that I want to achieve and I've been on this grand quest for self-mastery. It's awesome. One area has, however, been an uphill battle. My feelings for {NR}. I know, I know. This has been going strong for quite some time. I did pretty well all of last week. We ran into each other two Saturdays ago at Black Cat. Jesse and I were in the back room for this dance party, when {NR} walked in. I tried not to let on how shaken I was. My heart dropped into my asshole and my body wanted so badly to convulse. I think that I did a decent job of not conveying my agony. He went away for awhile, and I was able to regroup for the next run in that night. Jesse and I were sitting and listening to {NR2} tell us a story about some girl, when {NR} walked in again. I looked at him with the blankest face that I could muster, and continued listening to {NR2}'s story. The vibe between us was intensely cold. It was artificially cold. Like two scientists trying to see if they can freeze something that naturally shouldn't be frozen. I went to a place where no one could touch me. It's a place I've kept free of debris so that I can hide there whenever things get too heavy. I had so many feelings that my only recourse of protection was to be a frigid bitch. Jesse went to get us some more drinks, and I was left sitting on the stage with {NR} behind me. I tapped my foot to the music and applied chapstick, while trying not to look back. I felt him staring at me. I wondered what part of me he was analyzing. My long black Pocahontas braids? The back of my black bra showing through my sheer black shirt? I wonder if he recognized the bra, as he's seen it many times and had a difficult time taking it off one night. Either way, I looked back and saw him staring at me while dancing with a guy. I quickly turned around and shook my head, to connote my disapproval. He left soon after. The days after that were filled with a sense of, "god what the fuck was I thinking? I can't believe I even fucked him." In the spirit of the incoming new year, I think that my psyche was trying desperately to usher 2013 in without {NR}. Jesse and I wanted to go to Dodge City last Tuesday, but it was closed. He told me that he was at Velvet. I asked him what was going on and he said that {NR} was djing. I asked if we could go somewhere else. I did this for two reasons:
1. I have a very difficult time being around him with other guys. I think that it's a respect thing. Although he dumped me unceremoniously, I don't feel as though rubbing his nose in me being out with other guys will accomplish anything. I think that I also hope that this will all blow over and at some point we'll work things out..wishful thinking, for sure.
2. I just can't knowingly be around him right now. Being in the same room with him chops me up emotionally. I can't handle consciously deciding to be in the same room as him. Even when it happens accidentally it sucks. It's especially bad if we're in a place where we would go before everything turned to shit.
And I was fine for a few days. Then Sunday came around and I could barely work due to what felt like a heavy, wet comforter weighing me down. A wave of "what the fuck" covered me, and I felt sad. I realized how much I missed fucking {NR} and how alike we really were. I thought about not wanting to be with anyone else and how terrified I was by how I felt. I don't do longing well. I'm not built for extended periods of pining. I like things to just be or not be. But this "ephemeral love" has turned into the longest rejection ever. I think that I understand how things have to be now. I'm just going to have to be in this space until my feelings either dissipate, transfer to something else, or I meet someone new. Until then, I am going to keep living my life, being awesome, taking care of myself and being in love with someone I shouldn't. The end.
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