"As God As My Witness, My Pussy Will Never Go Hungry Again!": BOYFRIEND TIME

"She instinctively knew, what the fuck was up."

I have written a lot of blog posts this week! Boredom and stress are amazing literary motivators. I'm also blaming the Maca root for forcing all of the subject matter to be about sex, my pussy and dick. But I just had a fucking thought. I think that I am ready for a boyfriend. After all of the failed attempts at a decent sex life as a single woman in this big-ass world, I'm ready to retire from the game soon. I have one more act of "hoe-ass shit" to do, then after that, hang my jersey from the rafters. I think back to the Summer when I was hanging out with {NR} and how perhaps I should have stopped fighting the trajectory that we were on. Maybe I should have just given in and dated him. I was just so unsure and not ready to be locked down..or so I thought. Secretly, I liked the idea of being his girlfriend. I felt something with him that I hadn't felt since Viswas. On edge, yet comfortable. Like he understood me, but was also afraid of me. But that was a long time ago and the odds of anything new happening are null. I've been hanging out with Jesse for a little while now. We haven't done anything remotely sexual and he's super respectful. He also takes me out. I really like hanging out with him and I believe that my reticence to start anything with him was a result of y hope that {NR} would come to his senses. But since that is not going to happen, and I don't even think that I'd want it to, I'm paying more attention to my interaction with Jesse. Jesse's a bike-riding, bartending rocker dude with a heart of gooold. I was such a dick to him the first night we met. I thought that he was done sitting in his chair at a bar, but he wasn't. I stole it with the shittiest attitude ever. He was sweet about it. He wanted to take me out for steaks on my bday, but I went to Raleigh instead. We're supposed to go on Sunday. Although I would love to have a bang-buddy, those never ever work out. Ever. So, fuck it. I'll let some dude wife me up now, provided he fucks like a beast and has an amazing cock, 'cause that's what I'll be there for. I really do blame the Maca root for turning me into the sex-crazed monster that I am right now. Fucking natural viagra.

"I Really Wanted To Eat You Out, And Never Got The Chance.":PINING FOR PUSSY

"She was VERY into it."

God-FUCK my life. I do not understand what is going on in my life. It is literally being held together by Scotch tape, and a new surprise has been waiting for me around each bend. If it's not a dude with an amazing dick not liking blow jobs, it's my ex-fuck partner posting sappy-ass songs on Facebook about "wanting his baby back." I'm not sure how much longer I want to be on this planet. Anyway, I received  a message on Facebook from this guy that I hooked up with FOUR YEARS AGO. So fucking random..and being that my life is a dilapidated-ass mess of a house right now, I was in no mood to reminisce about an almost-bang with him. I was twenty-two and had the option of fucking anyone I wanted (apparently, I still do), and just didn't really want to fuck him in that moment. Here's our conversation:

Dude: we had a few drinks

then went back to your place

then started making out

and tore all our clothes off

and then, you kicked me out!

Me: It happens

Dude: I know. ah, the hot girl that got away. I won't lie to you; I've thought about that night several times.

Me: What was it about that ight?? It was so long ago too

*night

Dude: ever have an argument with someone, and then you just replay in your head, over and over and over again?

and you think of better counterarguments and comebacks?

right, well it's like that. But, you have a smoking hot girl. You go out for drinks, have a great time, start hooking up, and then she kicks you out

so the question is, where did I go wrong

Me: Oh god, I didn't mean to make you insecure..

Dude: I think my ultimate point was that I really wanted to eat you out, and never got the chance. Maybe that's it.

The FUCK do you say to that shit?! What do you say to someone who's been pining to play oral shadowboxing with your vulva??!! THE FUCK?!?! It's flattering, but shit..He lives in NYC, and maybe I'll take a trip there and let him finish the job. Considering my last sexual encounter. This one, does, in fact, love blow jobs, so there's that. I wonder if there are other guys that I've hooked up with that feel the same way. Dudes out in the ether that pine for my pussy. So weird. At times I felt as though I'd pine for {NR}'s penis forever. If he came around, I'd probably do it again..but I don't think about it constantly. Probably because so much other shit is occupying my attention. Maybe I needed my life to be at the edge of precipice to fully delete {NR}. Well, he's not fully deleted, as I'm writing about him. But I haven't found myself trying to masturbate to his picture on Facebook in awhile, so I'm going to call myself recovered. And yes, I did do that..on numerous occasions. Chicks can be creepy too!

"Some Of My Best Friends Are Women.":PREADTORY MALE FRIENDS

"Let's grab a drink and talk about what's going on in your life!"

I've come to realize that, truly, no one gives any fucks about me. Don't break out the tiny violin..or do..I don't know. I don't really have much family, and that that I do have resent me for whatever reason. I have a vapid relationship with my mother that centers around me being her life line, but her not reciprocating when I'm in deep shit. And then I think about the "friends" that I have. I've always felt a bond with most men..and I'm coming to realize that it's one-sided. Out of all of the male friends that I have, there is only one that hasn't tried to fuck me at some point. I just realized that today. OUT OF ALL OF MY MALE FRIENDS, ONLY ONE HASN'T TRIED TO FUCK ME. That's some shit right there. I never really paid attention to it, because I figured boys will be boys. But upon closer inspection, there is something really insidious about that. Digging deeper, it says that they:

a.Think that I'm stupid enough to think that they can con their ways into my pants with false friendship.

I had more, but I think that sums it up perfectly. I can't tell you the number of dick picks I've gotten or professions of love and threats to beat up guys I was seeing. The girlfriends that saw how into me their boyfriends/husbands were and forbade them to see me. The friendships that waned because I obviously wasn't putting out. The dates disguised as hang-outs. it goes on and on. And perhaps I'd be flattered if I viewed myself as they do..but to me, I'll always be some suicidal weirdo with a decent rack. It's a daunting feeling knowing that someone always wants something from you. Be it an ego boost or to forget about their ex-girlfriend, some guy always fucking wants something from me. I know this sounds like, "way, pretty girl problems," but it's not. It's "intellectually sentient problems." If I were an air headed asshole, going through life without constantly clocking, I would find nothing wrong with this. If I had no sense of my intellectual worth and needed constant reassurance of myself via male attention, I would be the belle of the motherfucking ball. But I don't. I spend most of my life trying to not go off the deep end. I try hard to confront my less-desirable qualities. What the fuck ever. I hate all things.

"Now I'm All Dicked Up In The Head!":WHY IS FUCKING SO HARD?!

"Sex is just lame and boring," he said, right after fucking me.

So this past Sunday was my brrrrthday!!! Yeah grrrrl. Whatever. I'm 26 now, which doesn't even fucking matter because life is going to suck into perpetuity for me, so who gives a fuck. Sorry, I feel very nihilistic right now. So I went back to Raleigh for my bday. I had a shit ton of fun, though I pissed off all of my friends and they left me. How did I piss off my friends? one word, Josh. Josh and I have known each other since I was like 19..he works with Scott, one of my really good friends (side note: Scott is one of the most amazing people that I have ever met, and I am so privileged to know him). Anyway, Josh and I were going to fuck last year for my birthday, but he was a complete mess and I wasn't into it. This year we all met a Poole's and ate dinner. I proceeded to get pretty motherfucking drunk, thanks  to Julie pranking me. After Poole's, we all go to Neptunes to dance. I'm not sure how it happened, but Josh and I started dancing, then making out...next thing I know his slapping my vagina with the palm of his hand. And yes, my trashy ass did all of this in front of a group of misplaced Yuppies. Eventually we realized that EVERYONE had left us. What in the fuck. Julie sent this:

"Hey mama we are heading outs u are makin out w josh have the best time xoxo"

I thought that was fucked up. You couldn't have tapped me on the shoulder? Thrown a glass of cold water on me?! Whatevs. So Josh and I go back to his place. We get in his bed and start making out. He turns my pussy into a sock puppet with his fingers..I'm retarded wet. Then I move towards his dick, in an attempt to give him what would have been the best blow job he'd ever had (I have personal references that can attest to my amazing head-giving skills). He stops me. "I don't like blow jobs." I have a mini-stroke. WHAT?!?! WHAT?! WHAT?! My mind was motherfucking blown. After that, I lost the impetus to want to fuck him. Sure, it was still good the first time, but....

I FUCKING LOVE GIVING BLOW JOBS!!!! It turns me on beyond belief, and I can barely fuck without having had the guy's cock in my mouth at least once. It makes me stupid wet and I love dick more than I can ever use words to convey it. I FUCKING LOVE COCK. So I realized that although cock in a pussy is cool, sex without foreplay is lame. And of course my pussy is pining for {NR}'s cock now. He was such an amazing lay. MIND BLOWING lay. I miss fucking him soooooooooo much. I don't miss him, but I miss his cock. For all of his insecurities and craziness, he didn't let it affect him sexually. He's a sleeper-bang. Looking at him, you would not think that he could fuck...but HOLY SHIT. So amazing at EVERYTHING. I miss that dick. Anyway, back to the issue at hand. So the next day we vegged out. He had some project to do for a potential job. He was really sweet and made me breakfast and tea. I watched Prometheus while he worked. It was really awesome just hanging. We went to dinner with Scott that night, and afterwards we went back to his place and attempted to have sex again. I couldn't stay wet, which had nothing to do with him (to a degree). He wears Magnums, which dry my pussy up to no end. And the lack of foreplay didn't help. It sucks when you see the potential, you know the person can fuck, but there's something missing. I feel as though it's so selfish to be closed off and have stupid hang-ups when you're fucking someone. You owe it to the person you're with to at least try and get outside of your fucking head. I think that's why the sex with {NR} was so amazing..we were both so focused on the other that it made the sex explosive. It was obvious that he was not going to stop until I came, and that I wasn't either..which is why I had orgasm after orgasm after orgasm with him..vaginally. Okay, now I'm going to cry. But anyway, I sent josh a text message saying that he made me feel like a shitty lay because he was so insecure about everything. He didn't really take me seriously. I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him ever again. He compared me to his ex and called me dramatic. How sad. I really don't have any plans to ever fuck him again. I think that at the end of it, I would have fucked up hang-ups about sex, and I don't. He's not a bad guy, and we have fun when we hang..we're just not sexually compatible..which sucks, because he's soooo motherfucking hot..oh well.