"YEAAAHHHH BITCHEEEESSSS!": I'M BACK!"

Well, well, well...It has been forever and a million days since I've written here. Last I wrote, I was exclaiming the fun of fucking and galavanting about New York City. I am still engaging in these pursuits. I've started making music again and played a hilarious show last week in Bushwick. The sound was god-awful, but I had some friends show up, got spur drunk and teeter-tottered seductively in a ski mask, 5" platforms and a floor length velvet halter dress...naturally. So I live in Park Slope in a big apartment with one roommate. A lot of crazy shit has gone down since my last post..I lived in Bushwick for a hot minute with two crazy lesbian roller-girls...let's just say that ended in a long, arduous court battle. I've been in Park Slope for over a year now, and I love it. I'm super close to multiple trains, bars, music venues. I decided to start writing in this blog again because I need a space to talk about all of the hilarious, awful, gross, hot shit that happens to me on a daily basis. Facebook is now the land of babies and Candy Crush. If any post deviates from a saccharine format, you can practically hear the crickets. I put a post up about seeing a woman jerk off a pit bull on Reddit, and how sad it made me every time I see a puppy (which is every few seconds in Park Slope). I felt the frigidity in the form of no likes. I mean, come on! Really?! Anyway, I don't like censoring myself, and even quit Facebook for a few hours..then I decided to reactivate this blog. I need a safe space to discuss the fact that I had sex with someone this week who had a penis that was 9 inches in length and 5 inches in girth. DUDE HAD A 9" COCK!!! That is some serious Barnum and Bailey shit right there, but I can't even broadcast my delight and wonder for fear that my puritanical friends list will cold shoulder me. I also think that some people on my friends list are a little jealous of the fact that I'm in NYC and constantly partaking in rad activities. Either way, I'm using this blog again, so get ready for some awesome/awful posts.

"Walking On A Dream.": ASHLEY'S FUCKING EVERYONE PRT. 1

I fuckin love my life right now. A million dudes primed for fucking. Wine. Family. Friends. Fun. I can't even handle how exciting everything is. I met this dude Christian for drinks a bit ago. Next, I see Tim for some sex, wine, and lion's den. I feel amazing..I'm also 3 glasses of wine into life, so, there's that..anyway, I fucking love life. I had so much fun with Christian. We talked about old cartoons that MTV used to play, being single, etc. Tim's going to be a different story. We're going to laugh and play..and fuck. Tim and I are going to "lion's den". "Lion's denning" is where we lay around and have fun. We'll have sex. Talk. Laugh. We're so silly when were together, so I'm sure it'll be fun. I've been having a fucking blast. I almost feel badly for having so much fun. I feel amazing when I'm surrounded by awesome men that enjoy my company. I've realized and come to terms with the fact that I'm a "guy's girl." I love men so much. I just feel amazing when I'm around men. The energy. How succinct they are. I love it. Don't get me wrong, the women that I have in my life have my heart..but I fucking love men.  Alright, that'll do for tonight, as I have to meet up with Tim so we can "lion's den".

To be continued......

"As God As My Witness, My Pussy Will Never Go Hungry Again!": BOYFRIEND TIME

"She instinctively knew, what the fuck was up."

I have written a lot of blog posts this week! Boredom and stress are amazing literary motivators. I'm also blaming the Maca root for forcing all of the subject matter to be about sex, my pussy and dick. But I just had a fucking thought. I think that I am ready for a boyfriend. After all of the failed attempts at a decent sex life as a single woman in this big-ass world, I'm ready to retire from the game soon. I have one more act of "hoe-ass shit" to do, then after that, hang my jersey from the rafters. I think back to the Summer when I was hanging out with {NR} and how perhaps I should have stopped fighting the trajectory that we were on. Maybe I should have just given in and dated him. I was just so unsure and not ready to be locked down..or so I thought. Secretly, I liked the idea of being his girlfriend. I felt something with him that I hadn't felt since Viswas. On edge, yet comfortable. Like he understood me, but was also afraid of me. But that was a long time ago and the odds of anything new happening are null. I've been hanging out with Jesse for a little while now. We haven't done anything remotely sexual and he's super respectful. He also takes me out. I really like hanging out with him and I believe that my reticence to start anything with him was a result of y hope that {NR} would come to his senses. But since that is not going to happen, and I don't even think that I'd want it to, I'm paying more attention to my interaction with Jesse. Jesse's a bike-riding, bartending rocker dude with a heart of gooold. I was such a dick to him the first night we met. I thought that he was done sitting in his chair at a bar, but he wasn't. I stole it with the shittiest attitude ever. He was sweet about it. He wanted to take me out for steaks on my bday, but I went to Raleigh instead. We're supposed to go on Sunday. Although I would love to have a bang-buddy, those never ever work out. Ever. So, fuck it. I'll let some dude wife me up now, provided he fucks like a beast and has an amazing cock, 'cause that's what I'll be there for. I really do blame the Maca root for turning me into the sex-crazed monster that I am right now. Fucking natural viagra.

"I Really Wanted To Eat You Out, And Never Got The Chance.":PINING FOR PUSSY

"She was VERY into it."

God-FUCK my life. I do not understand what is going on in my life. It is literally being held together by Scotch tape, and a new surprise has been waiting for me around each bend. If it's not a dude with an amazing dick not liking blow jobs, it's my ex-fuck partner posting sappy-ass songs on Facebook about "wanting his baby back." I'm not sure how much longer I want to be on this planet. Anyway, I received  a message on Facebook from this guy that I hooked up with FOUR YEARS AGO. So fucking random..and being that my life is a dilapidated-ass mess of a house right now, I was in no mood to reminisce about an almost-bang with him. I was twenty-two and had the option of fucking anyone I wanted (apparently, I still do), and just didn't really want to fuck him in that moment. Here's our conversation:

Dude: we had a few drinks

then went back to your place

then started making out

and tore all our clothes off

and then, you kicked me out!

Me: It happens

Dude: I know. ah, the hot girl that got away. I won't lie to you; I've thought about that night several times.

Me: What was it about that ight?? It was so long ago too

*night

Dude: ever have an argument with someone, and then you just replay in your head, over and over and over again?

and you think of better counterarguments and comebacks?

right, well it's like that. But, you have a smoking hot girl. You go out for drinks, have a great time, start hooking up, and then she kicks you out

so the question is, where did I go wrong

Me: Oh god, I didn't mean to make you insecure..

Dude: I think my ultimate point was that I really wanted to eat you out, and never got the chance. Maybe that's it.

The FUCK do you say to that shit?! What do you say to someone who's been pining to play oral shadowboxing with your vulva??!! THE FUCK?!?! It's flattering, but shit..He lives in NYC, and maybe I'll take a trip there and let him finish the job. Considering my last sexual encounter. This one, does, in fact, love blow jobs, so there's that. I wonder if there are other guys that I've hooked up with that feel the same way. Dudes out in the ether that pine for my pussy. So weird. At times I felt as though I'd pine for {NR}'s penis forever. If he came around, I'd probably do it again..but I don't think about it constantly. Probably because so much other shit is occupying my attention. Maybe I needed my life to be at the edge of precipice to fully delete {NR}. Well, he's not fully deleted, as I'm writing about him. But I haven't found myself trying to masturbate to his picture on Facebook in awhile, so I'm going to call myself recovered. And yes, I did do that..on numerous occasions. Chicks can be creepy too!

"Some Of My Best Friends Are Women.":PREADTORY MALE FRIENDS

"Let's grab a drink and talk about what's going on in your life!"

I've come to realize that, truly, no one gives any fucks about me. Don't break out the tiny violin..or do..I don't know. I don't really have much family, and that that I do have resent me for whatever reason. I have a vapid relationship with my mother that centers around me being her life line, but her not reciprocating when I'm in deep shit. And then I think about the "friends" that I have. I've always felt a bond with most men..and I'm coming to realize that it's one-sided. Out of all of the male friends that I have, there is only one that hasn't tried to fuck me at some point. I just realized that today. OUT OF ALL OF MY MALE FRIENDS, ONLY ONE HASN'T TRIED TO FUCK ME. That's some shit right there. I never really paid attention to it, because I figured boys will be boys. But upon closer inspection, there is something really insidious about that. Digging deeper, it says that they:

a.Think that I'm stupid enough to think that they can con their ways into my pants with false friendship.

I had more, but I think that sums it up perfectly. I can't tell you the number of dick picks I've gotten or professions of love and threats to beat up guys I was seeing. The girlfriends that saw how into me their boyfriends/husbands were and forbade them to see me. The friendships that waned because I obviously wasn't putting out. The dates disguised as hang-outs. it goes on and on. And perhaps I'd be flattered if I viewed myself as they do..but to me, I'll always be some suicidal weirdo with a decent rack. It's a daunting feeling knowing that someone always wants something from you. Be it an ego boost or to forget about their ex-girlfriend, some guy always fucking wants something from me. I know this sounds like, "way, pretty girl problems," but it's not. It's "intellectually sentient problems." If I were an air headed asshole, going through life without constantly clocking, I would find nothing wrong with this. If I had no sense of my intellectual worth and needed constant reassurance of myself via male attention, I would be the belle of the motherfucking ball. But I don't. I spend most of my life trying to not go off the deep end. I try hard to confront my less-desirable qualities. What the fuck ever. I hate all things.

"Now I'm All Dicked Up In The Head!":WHY IS FUCKING SO HARD?!

"Sex is just lame and boring," he said, right after fucking me.

So this past Sunday was my brrrrthday!!! Yeah grrrrl. Whatever. I'm 26 now, which doesn't even fucking matter because life is going to suck into perpetuity for me, so who gives a fuck. Sorry, I feel very nihilistic right now. So I went back to Raleigh for my bday. I had a shit ton of fun, though I pissed off all of my friends and they left me. How did I piss off my friends? one word, Josh. Josh and I have known each other since I was like 19..he works with Scott, one of my really good friends (side note: Scott is one of the most amazing people that I have ever met, and I am so privileged to know him). Anyway, Josh and I were going to fuck last year for my birthday, but he was a complete mess and I wasn't into it. This year we all met a Poole's and ate dinner. I proceeded to get pretty motherfucking drunk, thanks  to Julie pranking me. After Poole's, we all go to Neptunes to dance. I'm not sure how it happened, but Josh and I started dancing, then making out...next thing I know his slapping my vagina with the palm of his hand. And yes, my trashy ass did all of this in front of a group of misplaced Yuppies. Eventually we realized that EVERYONE had left us. What in the fuck. Julie sent this:

"Hey mama we are heading outs u are makin out w josh have the best time xoxo"

I thought that was fucked up. You couldn't have tapped me on the shoulder? Thrown a glass of cold water on me?! Whatevs. So Josh and I go back to his place. We get in his bed and start making out. He turns my pussy into a sock puppet with his fingers..I'm retarded wet. Then I move towards his dick, in an attempt to give him what would have been the best blow job he'd ever had (I have personal references that can attest to my amazing head-giving skills). He stops me. "I don't like blow jobs." I have a mini-stroke. WHAT?!?! WHAT?! WHAT?! My mind was motherfucking blown. After that, I lost the impetus to want to fuck him. Sure, it was still good the first time, but....

I FUCKING LOVE GIVING BLOW JOBS!!!! It turns me on beyond belief, and I can barely fuck without having had the guy's cock in my mouth at least once. It makes me stupid wet and I love dick more than I can ever use words to convey it. I FUCKING LOVE COCK. So I realized that although cock in a pussy is cool, sex without foreplay is lame. And of course my pussy is pining for {NR}'s cock now. He was such an amazing lay. MIND BLOWING lay. I miss fucking him soooooooooo much. I don't miss him, but I miss his cock. For all of his insecurities and craziness, he didn't let it affect him sexually. He's a sleeper-bang. Looking at him, you would not think that he could fuck...but HOLY SHIT. So amazing at EVERYTHING. I miss that dick. Anyway, back to the issue at hand. So the next day we vegged out. He had some project to do for a potential job. He was really sweet and made me breakfast and tea. I watched Prometheus while he worked. It was really awesome just hanging. We went to dinner with Scott that night, and afterwards we went back to his place and attempted to have sex again. I couldn't stay wet, which had nothing to do with him (to a degree). He wears Magnums, which dry my pussy up to no end. And the lack of foreplay didn't help. It sucks when you see the potential, you know the person can fuck, but there's something missing. I feel as though it's so selfish to be closed off and have stupid hang-ups when you're fucking someone. You owe it to the person you're with to at least try and get outside of your fucking head. I think that's why the sex with {NR} was so amazing..we were both so focused on the other that it made the sex explosive. It was obvious that he was not going to stop until I came, and that I wasn't either..which is why I had orgasm after orgasm after orgasm with him..vaginally. Okay, now I'm going to cry. But anyway, I sent josh a text message saying that he made me feel like a shitty lay because he was so insecure about everything. He didn't really take me seriously. I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him ever again. He compared me to his ex and called me dramatic. How sad. I really don't have any plans to ever fuck him again. I think that at the end of it, I would have fucked up hang-ups about sex, and I don't. He's not a bad guy, and we have fun when we hang..we're just not sexually compatible..which sucks, because he's soooo motherfucking hot..oh well.

"All My Life I've Had To Fight..": WHY AM I SO FUCKING HATE-ABLE?

This blog may not be very coherent, as my thoughts are all over the place and it would take a ven diagram to sort them. I've been the target of so much ire and jealousy lately. Honestly, it's been this way  since I was a little kid. I'm not sure exactly what it is about me that polarizes people, but I find that people either love me or hate me. It's always been that way. I intimidate the fuck out of people, I suppose. I guess I always have. I think that there are a few reasons for that. For one, I'm attractive. This is being said as objectively as one can be in relation to analyzing themselves. I guess I could be considered hot..I'll just put it as a guy friend of mine did, "you are drop-dead gorgeous and have so much sex appeal that there isn't a girl on the face of this Earth that isn't threatened. Sorry it's that simple, but that's what's up." I truly don't think of myself that way. I think i'm attractive, but I never realize how much of an impact it has on my interactions with people. On top of being attractive, I'm intelligent and confident. Not confident in a boastful way, but confident about how well I know myself and how I see myself through my eyes. I think that people sense the non-affect that their opinions have upon me, yet how much of an affect I have upon them and it makes them uncomfortable..maybe? I just feel as though I stir something irrational within people. As though I see them completely, and it scares them. It's pretty true. I'm like an x-ray, yet I've been told time and time again how difficult I am to figure out. I attribute that to doing the hard work that is self-analysis. You can't understand other people until you understand yourself. Anyway, I've just been encountering lots of opposition from people lately. I feel as though people keep trying to assert dominance over me, or force me into a submissive place to make themselves feel superior to me. It's exasperating, because no matter what I do, I am going to be the bad guy. If I play along, I'll be seen as weak and not worthy of respect. If I refuse to play, I'll be seen as a bitch. Practically twenty-six years of this shit. I've never been a jealous person, nor one who felt as though I had to assert my dominance. I know who I am and know what I am about, so I never feel as though I have anything to prove to anyone. These dynamics get really bad in workplace situations, due to the introduction of money and survival. Someone's always trying to prove that they can bartend faster than I can, or that they can do more work in an attempt to make me look bad. I experienced that last night. It was so stupid. Most of the time, the scenarios play out like this:

1.Other bartender feels threatened by me for any of the following reasons: I'm attractive, I'm fast, I'm a beast behind the bar.

2.Bartender stares at me as I make multiple drinks in lightning speed.

3.Bartender then feels the need to compete with me.

It's so stupid, especially since we split tips. LOL! Really?! You're THAT insecure that you have to create competition where there isn't any?

My interactions with men have been so strained also! Usually it's insecure women that act ugly, but lately men have been also. As though they're remedy for wanting me but feeling as though they're not in my league is to act like assholes and, again, assert some sort of dominance over me. And of course the peripheral women fall in line because they feel as though I'm a threat to them. Burn the fucking witch. I know this kind of sounds like some rambling manifesto dedicated to my narcissism, but it isn't. I live this shit. And if I weren't so empathic, I would think that it was me, and that I needed to change and be less threatening. How the fuck can someone be less threatening? All you have in this life is your authenticity. I'm not going to betray that in hopes that a few dumb fucks can feel better about themselves and leave me the fuck alone. FUCK AND THAT. So the whole world of haters can suck the dick that I don't have, because I am going to keep doing me.