"Ryan Gosling, PLLEEAASSEEEEE!!!!!" Prt. 1

So something has been happening to me lately. I keep having sex dreams about Ryan Gosling. It's simultaneously arousing and exasperating. We never fuck!!! We never ever ever fuck in my dreams and it's getting very annoying. In one dream he was wearing nothing save for a red Speedo and I was rubbing him down with oil. Last night I had a dream that he was my high school teacher and he asked me to write an essay about interracial relationships, after heavy flirting, of course. So now I ask, why does he clit-tease me so? Tonight, we had better have stupid, sweaty sex. I want to wake up in the am and have to shower immediately. No more of this waking up with blue ovaries shit. I need the pseudo-real deal. My psyche needs rub one out material:

"Hey, girl. Yeah, I may let this guy fellate me and force him to swallow the sweet nectar of the gods that is my emission, but I'll be thinking of you the whole time."

I don't even fucking like blonds, but he does it for me in so many ways.

Concert Review: RED FANG, THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN and MASTODON

The Show of the year?

Dillinger and Mastodon. 9:30 club. I was on pins and needles with anticipation for this show. First off, Dillinger Escape Plan is one of my favorite bands. They're badass and always bring it. At the last show of theirs that I went to, Greg Puciato (their lead singer) almost tore down their HVAC from the fucking ceiling. SICK. And I will always love Mastodon. Quick story:

I finished out my senior year of Highschool in Raleigh. It was a strange time. Naturally, I wasn't anywhere near being of age to drink, but my fake I.D. fixed that rub. Anyway, I got really into Mastodon and when the chance to go to their show at the Cat's Cradle came up, I took it. So I piled Kayla Esguijian and some dude whose name I can't remember into my Honda Accord and drove to Chapel Hill. At this point, Mastodon was still pretty under the radar and their show wasn't even close to being sold out. They were sooo under the radar that when I went up to their merch table to score a shirt, Bill (Billy) Kelliher was there. I inquired about a shirt that had a black dude on it with a huge fro and a MASSIVE dick with the word "MASTODONG" written underneath it. Unfortunately, they didn't have it in my size. I'm not sure how this came up, but Billy said, in reference to their merch guy, "we like to play football", and I responded with, "I bet it was touch football, wasn't it..". And that was that. We hung out outside of CC and we talked about random stuff. I said how sad I was that the "MASTODONG" shirt was sold out in my size and that they should make a shirt that says "Black chicks love Mastodon". "Do they?", he asked. "Uhh DUH! I DO! And that's all that matters". Then they played their show and this guy started shit with me at the front of the stage and Billy told him off, which was awesome. At some point, I was standing near the backstage area and Billy comes out. I wasn't standing there for any particular reason, actually, I think that it was just the only free spot to stand.  I guess I looked confused or something, because he asks me "What's up?! What do you want? Do you want to come in here?". He was talking really fast and I was really confused and didn't know what to say. My aim wasn't to go backstage, but I didn't want to turn the offer down, so I stood there saying, "uhh, uhh, uhhh..". And then he grabs me and pulls me backstage, leaving my friends to only pray that nothing sordid happens to me. The backstage "area" was a tiny room with a mini-fridge, a couch and a few chairs. There were two people back there with us. One crazy blonde lady and some random dude. I can't remember what they were talking about, but it was tripping Billy and I out and we repeatedly gave eachother the side-eye equivalent to "what the fuck?!". We were having fun just shooting the shit. I was being wild and decided that it would be a great idea, with no objection from Billy, for me to write "ASHLEY FUCKED MASTODON" on the wall in black Sharpie. Billy told me that he and the band were about to go on tour to Europe for awhile, but that we should keep in touch, so we exchanged emails. At one point he asked me how old I was, and I told him. He nearly had a heart attack. Anyway, we did keep in touch that summer and I, being the dirty teenage groupie that I was, sent him pictures (not nude..but whatever..I won't go into how deep my wild times went in those days). I talked to him last year  after their show in Richmond. He's still as awesome as ever.

So the show on Sunday was sold-the fuck-out, and like an asshole, I waited until the last minute to score tickets. I have amazing luck with concerts. I always get good spots, tickets or hook ups. Always. I refused for this time to be different. So when it looked as though Craigslist was going to be a bust, I got the bright idea to go on Dillinger Escape Plan's website to see if anyone was either selling tickets or giving them away. Sure enough, a girl (Julie) had a ticket that she was looking to GIVE to someone. I emailed her immediately. It took a few days, but she responded to me on Saturday. I arrived at the show a bit earlier than I had expected and thought that the back bar at 9:30 would be open, but it wasn't. I looked across the street and saw Brent hinds of Mastodon riding a black bike. What caught my eye was the bar that he rode by. I needed a drink. I walk into the bar and the record skips. All Ethiopian. Everyone looked at me as though I were some crazy foreigner, which is weird because everyone usually thinks that I'm Ethiopian, what with my huge eyes et al. Anyway, I had my septum ring in that night, so I'm sure that's what confused them. It also seemed like a cheers type of place. I order Absolut on the rocks and waited for Julie to text me. As soon as she did, I finished my drink and walked over towards 9:30. Julie was a sweet girl with long brown hair, bangs and glasses. We walked inside and I bought her a drink as a token of appreciation. We shared some DEP gossip and talked about Mastodon's new album. Thank god for Julie.

*NOW FOR MY REVIEW*:

RED FANG: I had heard of this band before, but I had never really heard their music. I have that relationship with alot of things in my life. If it doesn't directly concern or affect me, my knowledge of it is extremely shallow. Now that Mastodon has turned into a prog-rocky saviour for the hipster-metal masses, I expected this band to pretty much be a lighter version of that. I was half right, half-wrong. Honestly, they reminded me of Mastodon, alot, but all of the good aspects that I had come to love. They were what Mastodon would have been if they had followed the route that Remission and Leviathan had cleared. Great time signatures, sludgy and complex when needed. I grooved and headbanged throughout their whole set. They're the type of band that you can see for the first time and not feel guilty about not knowing any of their material.  I could have listened to them all night, but knew that their were much bigger things laying ahead...

THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN: The sole reason that I was at that show was to see DEP. Yes, I love Mastodon, always will, but they've abandoned my demographic for the most part and that makes me resentful. But I found solace in the bosom of DEP. The first time that I saw them live was when they opened for Deftones. SIIIICCCKKKK show. So sick, in fact, that I went back to see them the next night and again later that night when they played Talking Head. The show was sold out, but I lied and said that my "boyfriend" had left a ticket for me at the front, and they let me in. Remember what I said about Red Fang being a band that you can feel comfortable headbanging to even if you've never heard their shit before? Well DEP is NOT one of those bands. They're too complex to be a novice fan, you gotta really get into them THEN see them live, unless you just want to have a circle pit and stage dive. But that's why I love DEP. Unless they make a SERIOUS departure, they will never click with hipsters. You wanna talk time signatures? Listen to Ire Works and try to headbang for the first time. Dislocation will ensue. So DEP took the stage, and fucking OWNED. I mean, it wasn't their best show, but they still killed. I could tell that they weren't that into the crowd. Alot of people kinda stood their confused, which is something that I've noticed in DC. People are really perplexed by true-blue metal. There are virtually no metal bars and very rarely any good metal shows. Suffice to say, I was the only person that knew every song and was tripping the fuck out. I almost fell over the balcony a few times, but whatever. My friend Andrea's friend goes out with their singer. Andrea texted her to tell her that I was there and that I could see her on the side of the stage. I waved to her, but she didn't see me. They played a great mix of all of their albums and they sounded tight musically. I had read that their drummer broke his foot the night before and was very worried that it would affect the show. It didn't in any way. Greg did some stage diving and Ben Weinman (guitarist) climbed up this tall lighting thing, but there was no blood.

MASTODON: Now, putting aside my displeasure for the direction that they've taken musically, I will say that they sounded amazing. I liked the songs off of their new album  better when they're played live. Although they sounded killer, I spent 80% of their show with my arms folded and in a perpetual state of dozing off. Their new shit bores me. I miss the Remission and Leviathan days of yore...I hate to be THAT person. The one that always thinks that their favorite band has "sold out", because I don't think that Mastodon have. I think that they're just really into the prog rock thing right now, but I do think that they'll go back to their roots. You can only do prog rock as a metal band for so long, so I'm not counting them out yet. I got extra-hyped when they played Blood and Thunder, Where Strides the Behemoth and, of course, March of the Fire Ants. Then they did this really weird thing for their last song where they brought Red Fang, DEP and some other randoms onstage. It was superfluous and everyone was pretty much confused/mildly annoyed. At least I and everyone else's faces were.

So that is The Red Fang, The Dillinger Escape Plan and Mastodon show in a nutshell. I have video that I will upload directly to Facebook. It was a pretty awesome concert. Red Fang, you've made a new fan out of me. DEP, keep being amazing. And Mastodon, I know that the day will come where I will cry tears of joy elicited by the sonic orgasm that you will give me again. Billy K., you've got my email.

From The Fucked Up Files Of..: ORGY.

Today Samantha and I had a long and in-depth conversation about a band that I loved immensely when I was in middle school. Orgy:

Orgy was every parents nightmare yet the fantasy of every kinda-goth girl born in the mid to late 80's. They wore makeup, frankenstein platforms and sang about..I'm not really sure what, but it felt dark at the time. Their full length release was called "Candy Ass" and it did a great job of blending all of the different "alternative" musical movements of the time. Whiney male vocals courtesy of Jay Gordon, down-tuned guitars and a hint of electronica. The song that caught the attention of us teenyboppers tired of the onslaught of Britneys and NSYNCS was "Blue Monday". It was a cover of the song of the same name by one of my favorite bands, New Order. Orgy gave it a late 90's vibe by adding thick guitar tracks and slowing it down a bit. I remember begging my mother for their album, but she refused to buy it for me. She said that it was because of the word "ass" in the title, but I countered with "you let Bobby (my younger brother) listen to Tupac!!" apparently expletives are okay as long as it comes from the mouth of a thug poet..lol. "Thug poet", I like that. Anyway, Orgy made another two albums. "Vapor Transmission" and "Punk Statik Paranoia". The latter was absolutely HORRIBLE. Apparently Jay Gordon, the band's lead singer, is reviving Orgy with all new members. I think that's pretty lame, but whatever. I also think it's strange that he still thinks that Orgy is THAT relevant. I love 90's Orgy, but that time has long since passed..But 90's Orgy, you will forever live in my heart and my Facebook feed, since Samantha tagged me in a post about "Blue Monday".

Hipster Metal Night.

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING HIPSTER METALHEADS.

A few of the girls and I went to "metal night" last night. I used quotes because, well, you'll see. I had resigned myself to not going to "metal nights" at [name redacted] anymore. Against my better judgement and with the hopes that a girl posse would help, I went last night..And I was not a fan for the following reasons:

1. They play hipster metal ALL FUCKING NIGHT LONG. Everything is stupid, thrashy and "old school", but not even good old school. They play the same fucking Slayer, Pantera and Motorhead songs every fucking time. Now I LOVE all of those bands, but really? Every time? They play no heavy shit. No Deicide. No Napalm Death. NOT EVEN MESHUGGAH!!! WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?! So I spend every metal night with a perpetual headache thanks to the trebled-out, High E shit that they play all goddamn night. And as much as I love Mastodon, how many fucking times do I have to hear them in a night? Unless it's Remission or Leviathan, Mastodon should not be rocked to that extreme. Save it for a live show. But hipsters love that shit. For them, Mastodon didn't become listenable until after Leviathan. Funny thing is, the majority of people that go to "metal night" at [name redacted] really do think that they're metal..It's bizarre, yet hilarious. They have no idea that they are hipsters. 

2. Because everyone's a hipster, everyone is cliqued-up to hell and back. Everyone's too busy trying to be seen. That's what hipsters do. They stunt. So fucking lame. So it's just a room full of clique-y hipster faux-metalheads trying to act cooler than everyone else. No one talks to anyone outside of their tiny circles and it's fucking ridiculous. I like to meet guys and new people, but it's impossible to do so when you have sects of people not talking and standing with their backs to everyone else. But us girls soldiered on and made the best of it..

3. Anyone who is remotely attractive either already has an ugly hipster girlfriend or is too busy trying to act cool and disinterested. I love talking to guys..But the guys at these things are sooo goddamn lame. I will say that I did end up talking to the most attractive guy there last night. We exchanged numbers. 

I am DONE with metal nights at [name redacted] FOREVER. What was supposed to be an awesome night with beautiful girls turned into a mild headache and light head-nodding thanks to the merciful "DJ" playing ONE FUCKING LAMB OF GOD SONG. Thank GOD my girls were there. They saved my night. I've given that place chance after chance, but we are officially breaking up. Delete my number, burn whatever shit I left at your place, because we're fucking OVER. Hipsters, you win this one.

What I Subsist On 11/11

A Misanthrope's Guide To: WORKING.

What I'm sure most employers think of me:

I hate working. I know that everyone and their dead grandmother hates working, but I REALLY fucking hate working. I'm sure that my hate is at once fueled and exacerbated by the fact that I work in the "service industry". Being a people-hater in an industry that is extremely people-oriented is soul-crushing. I've done it all. Served, cocktailed, and last but not least, bartended. I LOVE bartending and I'll tell you why. There is an immense amount of control and autonomy as far as bartending is concerned. A good bartender is looked at as a deity. Someone who can handle money, multitask and make drinks fast as fuck is a rarity. And this is why I am the shit. I have a sense of urgency in life that is unparalleled..when I give a shit. When I am invested and interested in something, I give it my all. When I could give ten shits about something, I give nothing. I have quit a million and one jobs simply because I didn't give a thousand fucks about the place and/or I just "didn't like the vibe"..That's just who I am. I owe no one any explanations or excuses because I am a self reliant individual. I am a fucking JOB SNOB. At times I feel guilty about being this way. I'm sure it makes me look flaky, lazy and unmotivated, but that is soo far from the truth. I am a very hard worker..when I give a fuck. I'm pretty sure that this all stems from feeling powerless and at the mercy of the whims of others as a child. My childhood was fraught with instability, which has turned me into a self-centered adult. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it. Blame my mother, I do. Nonetheless, I think that self-awareness is the key to self-mastery and I'd like to think that I own the market on the first. So instead of flogging myself or even attempting to change, I believe that the best course of action is to find environments that allow me my autonomy and job snobbery whilst being low-maintenance and lucrative..A girl can haz, right?

..But He's An Asshole.

I, AVG, have a crush on someone. I'm an adult and just used the word "crush" to describe potential romantic feelings that I have for someone..Lame. I am extremely concerned by this, because I fear becoming the very type of woman that I abhor. Falling for a shitty guy is the biggest female cliche next to PMS, and I've never done it. I've never been fucked over by a man or had my life destroyed by one..Okay, okay sure I wanted to be committed a few years ago because I was in a shitty relationship but didn't have the balls to break up with the guy at the time (anxiety disorder is a mother fucker), and every girl's dealt with "the guy that disappears", but for the most part, I haven't had many wrist-slitting experiences thanks to men..

Now, this "guy" is a dick. I'm sure he has nice qualities, but in terms of psychological profiles of the men that I'm mostly attracted to, "dick" is not it. I like nice guys that treat me well and have the sensitive qualities that I lack. Men with feelings. Not pansies, but men that are in touch with the softer side of life, I guess..I can't explain it in any other way except that I like nice guys. But every now and again, something strange happens...Planets align and I find myself intensely soul-connectedly attracted to dudes that are more like me..Douchebags. Lascivious men that spend too much time on the fringes..Philanderers, womanizers and druggies. Narcissistic men that have no place anywhere near me. Those are the ones that do a number on me. It's easy to get swept up in the current of a narcissist. They're alluring. There's something intoxicating about someone who has no concern for other people. It's a symbol of utter freedom that most people wish that they possessed. Narcissists take pleasure in draining the emotional well being out of others. The best way to drive a narc. insane is to ignore them or treat them as though they aren't special.

Back to my original point..I am disturbed by my attraction to this man, and know that to even remotely entertain anything outside of friendship would be sooo goddamn bad. So I am not going there. I am going to stay the course of nice men that take me out to dinner, fucking good friends and maintaining my sanity.

A Misanthrope's Guide To: DATING.

So lately, I've been thinking about a certain dichotomy. I've been single for over two years, and when I say single, I mean that I haven't been in a committed relationship or dated someone seriously. I've fucked, sucked and gone out on an insane amount of dates, but I haven't settled down with just one person. Now this is due in part to a few things. Breakups are painful as fuck, and I swore that I would not commit to one person unless the pain and agony that is breaking up could pail in comparison to being with them. Also, I'm not a people-person. I have friends and I can interact with people just fine, but I don't actually LIKE "people". Recently I've been thinking about whether or not I am ready to seriously date someone. Not that I'm on the hunt or anything, but I like to do inventory of myself and chart my progress in life. And I think that I could finally be ready to date. Yet, here's the conundrum. How does someone who "isn't a people-person" even begin to date..a person? Can I deal with someone else's insanity while subjecting them to mine? Can I stop being a loner long enough to allow someone else in my space? Whenever I think about being in a relationship, I begin to shake and have flashbacks like a Vietnam war vet. I guess it isn't so bad when you're dating someone that you're compatible with, but until that day comes, I'm just going to enjoy the misanthropy and bachelorette-hood and continue to get Facebook messages from past fuck partners like this:

From The Fucked Up Files Of..: SOUL DECISION.

The big 2-5 is nearing closer and closer, and as I contemplate ways to not go gentle into that good night, I am consumed with longing for the days of yore. The days when all I had to be concerned with were getting kicked out of Prep School, or my house..Actually, I don't miss THOSE days and am actually quite pleased with my adult life, but you get it. While detangling my lion's mane in the shower, I thought about the different things that I enjoyed in middle school. And that's when a song came flooding into my mind like that last great one. "Faded" by Soul Decision.

"Faded" is an audial masterpiece that touches on the very sensitive subject of trying to hook up with a friend of the opposite sex when you're fucked up. Although I was in middle school when this song first dropped, I think that I instinctively knew that I would one day be able to relate. I remember Aja Johnson made me a mix of songs that were hot at the time, and OF COURSE "Faded" was on it. Soul Decision went on to have another semi-hit with "Ooh It's Kinda Crazy":

"Ooh It's Kinda Crazy" worked the "stop playing with my emotions you, fickle bitch!" angle. I loved it. I was really hoping that Soul Decision would go on to be a more mature BSB or NSYNC, but I knew deep down that it could never be..They've since disbanded and died horrible deaths. Maybe. I don't know, they probably live in the valley somewhere and make jingles for kitty litter. Either way, they will always have a place in my mental middle school nostalgia scrapbook.

HOT PIECE OF THE DAY: Marc From Barcelona.

I'm not really sure any words are needed.

Maybe I can get a discount on the air fare to Barcelona if I book it early. Fuck an in-flight meal, I'll take the swollen, throat clogging merguez that is this man's cock once I land.

THE WALKING SNOOZE....

So, I loved the first season of The Walking Dead. It was interesting, intense and it introduced me to the sexy Andrew Lincoln (seen here giving me the "shaft, meet tonsils" face):

I was hooked. So upon discovery (and not the least bit of surprise) that it was picked up for a second season, I was BEYOND jazzed. But I must confess, and excuse me if I offend...THIS SEASON FUCKING SUUUCCKKKSSSSSS!!!!!!! What in the fuck happened? Oh, that's right, they fired one of their lead writers or something..I get it. An apocalypse is taxing on peeps..but really? Do we have to spend half of the goddamn season looking for a stupid inbred girl who couldn't follow Officer Cum-Fuck-Me's simple instructions of "stay your dumb inbred girl-ass here"?! I'm sorry, but I'm on Team Sex-Me Shane's on this one..Shane is really growing on me. His undying loyalty to Lame-Ass Lori is wearing on me, though. I HATE her..and here are a few reasons why:

1.She reminds me of a girl that's now dating someone that I was super into, but knew it could never be: We've all had those situations..You're soo into someone, there's mutual fascination/chemistry, but you know that you're a hot mess that would do nothing but bring pain and agony into their lives i.e. curse their family out on a trip to the beach, smash every single one of their friends or something...So now I have an innate grudge against any bitch that even REMOTELY resemebles this guy's girlfriend..And Lori does..

2.She's a disloyal cunt: Dead husband or not..You do NOT fuck your husband's friend!!!! Whether he's dead, you divorced or you're just dying to get deep-dicked by his hot BFF, that's a goddamn NO!! Sucia-ass-slut is what Lori is, and I cannot respect a bitch like that. I will give her props on her secret keeping skills, though. It reminds me of the time this guy I used to "see" and I had to pretend we didn't REALLY know each other around an ex because they happened to be BFFs..It happened before the ex and I met, but how do you tell your current bf that his bestie saw you in bondage at a fetish party? YOU DON'T.

3.Lori's attitude is annoying: She is just lame. Bottom line. She's tough, but in an ice queen way, not an "OMG I HAVE TO HOLD IT TOGETHER" way...

4.She gets to mouth fuck on Andrew Lincoln: DONE.

I really need one of the principle actors to die. Not Shane, Darrel or Officer Cum-Fuck-Me..They must live on and on until there's a sexy three-way between them..Yes, I'm into that. My first choice is Lori, for obvious reasons. Second is Dale. He's getting on my fucking nerves with his overprotective shit and constant need to make Andrea feel good. I mean for fuck's sake, she shot Darrel!!! She FINALLY learns how to shoot a gun and, like stupid inbred Sophia, refused to listen to Officer Cum-Fuck-Me and SHOT DARREL..No delay, let's fucking axe her too, right along with Dale. Better yet, let's have a Walker bite Dale, he turn instantaneously and then bites Andrea's whiney face off. Then, let's just get rid of Carl..Fucking Carl. I just don't like the actor that plays him. T-Dawg can live, as long as he cuts the "everyone's a racist" shit. Glen is awesome, so he stays too. Oh wait, we have to kill Sophia's mom! Okay, she can find what's left of Sophia after meeting a few Walkers, which will of course be simply "eyes without a faacceee!!", and then she'll kill herself. Problems. Solved.

Walking Dead, I'm going to need you to step it the FUCK up. I can't keep spending $2.99 at iTunes just to rub one out while watching Andrew lincoln's character dissolve into a blubbering mess. Give Rick some more backbone, to hell with Sophia and let's kill off everyone except the above mentioned..

Sincerely,

AVG

A. Sav's Amazing Dream.

"First of all number 1, it was a crazy dope sex dream and you 

worked at this super fancy hotel which I was randomly staying in. 

You were a cocktail waitress all dressed up...........

And I decided to stay there to just have a night away from whoever I was kinda dating. 

Don't ask why it was a dream. 

And I had a bottle of red, champagne and kettle. 

• So y

  ou got cut from your shift and I had never stayed here before. So you were nice to show me to my room
• We took this insane elevator for what seemed like 20 minutes
• And finally we arrive at my floor. We get one foot into this room which is amazing and we start making out like crazy
• I mean crazy crazy
• I rip your cocktail outfit off. I have sex with you like a billion times. And then there is a knock at the door
• And it's this girl I was dating. I hear her yelling my name and she saying she knows I am there with someone and the scent of sex is all over the hall. Ummm rad yes I know. Anyway
• I hide in the bathroom and you answer completely disheveled and tell her you don't know me and that she has the wrong room.
• She leaves and I realize I have to get the fuck out of the hotel
• So I crawl like a snake on my belly thru the hotel so no one sees me. Odd I know
• But I can't get out of there and now. There is no exit
  
  

  
  

  
  

  • And just as this chick see me and runs towards me you grab me and pull me Into some hidden room and demand my attention and call me an ass for havin sex with you and running out the door
  • So I try and explain but it's a dream and can't
  • And then we make out more and I awake after it's done and just had a mini heart attack and can't sleep
  • Jesus"

"ARE YOU A ROCKER OR NOT?!": My Tattoo Manifesto.

Yes, this.

So, I'm an "alternative" gal who enjoys the pleasures of walking through the park with death metal blaring, wearing all black and just being a fucking badass all hours of the day. With that said, I have found that alot of people who have tattoos are actually extremely lame, and here's why:

Everyone wants to believe that they are special. In our minds, we're way cooler than we actually are. We build ourselves up to be smart, attractive and interesting, when in all actuality, most of us are not that awesome. I have many friends that have Japanese art tattoos..I think it's generic. Not that they aren't beautiful, but if you've seen one Japanese tattoo, you've seen 'em all. Most of the people that have those tattoos have never even been to Japan!! What in the hell?! I don't understand how you can get something that you KNOW many people have tattooed on you unless you were 14 at the time and in Mexico..What? Nevermind. Here is a list of tattoos I can go without seeing for the rest of my life:

1.Sailor Jerry-esque tattoos. Sailor Jerry was a sexy-ass silver fox with amazing tats. Let the man rest in peace, please..We don't need anymore sparrows, anchors, gypsy women, panthers etc..Let it fucking die.

2.Ironic tattoos. Listen, no one wants to see a fucking pizza slice on the back of your hand. No one needs to read "suck it" written right above your dick, you trashy ass.

3.Cherry blossoms. This kind of ties into the whole Japanese art thing.

4.FUCKING KOI FISH!!!

5.Stupid chest pieces with stupid writing.

6.Stars.

I have more respect for sorostitutes who get dolphins tattooed on their asses than people who act all badass and alternative when they aren't. You're tattoos are lame, and you're lame also. Yes, I am being a judge-y bitch..But I don't care. They use their tattoos like an insecure girl uses pounds of makeup. It's the same shit. The day that I meet a hot tattooed guy that is smart, interesting AND actually listens to metal is the day I shit my pants (which is something that I haven't done since my birthday in pre-K) and smear it on my face like foundation.

Binaural Beats/Beating Off.

For the first time in a few days, I am having insomnia. I believe that it's root cause is the pound of four cheese tortellini that I ate after coming home from a Hardcore show. Lately I've been listening to this audial therapy shit called binaural beats. I got hip to it via this astrology blog that I read and have been hooked ever since. I listen to it throughout the day, and I must say that it has chilled me out x 1000. I even managed to not beat a girl's ass on Saturday thanks to my newfound placidity. I will say that it gives me some RAGING dreams. Most of them are sexual and amazing. I'm attributing some of it to the massive amount of cocks that I've been looking at on the internet (more on that later). Binaural beats are sounds that are supposed to bring your brainwaves to a more relaxed state. There are some for lucid dreaming, relaxation and sleep. I haven't needed my Xanax. I wake up refreshed and ready to attack the day.

I go through strange phases sometimes (see above paragraph). My latest phase is looking at cocks on isanyoneup.com. I literally spent three days compiling a folder on my desktop dedicated to my favorites. I'm so selective in my physical life. I have the sexual urges of a male, yet the discernment of a woman. I can't just fuck anyone. I never could! I'm just as picky about my one-nighters as I am about the men that I deem "datable"..Which is why I have a "fap folder" on my computer. I have a friend who hasn't been inside of a woman's vagina in at least a decade. He loves internet porn though. I never understood why he was so afraid to get out there and fuck..Until now. People really and truly do suck, thereby, dating fucking suuucckksss. Everything is rushed and boorish. Men don't give women the time to decide whether we want to fuck them and women don't give men the space needed to get to know who they are outside of "fuck, kill". I have had a few amazing "sexual" experiences in D.C. so far. Two of my faves were with foreigners:

1.Hot Turkish guy (whose name I cannot remember) who worked for a Think Tank, had crazy tattoos and whose father was a former ambassador for Turkey to Cuba..I STILL think about that one..Hot rich kid with a beautiful penis. AND smart. The night before I met him I had a dream about "The symposium". When he showed me the different books that were on his Nook, there it fucking was. So weird. We had a wild night during a lunar eclipse. Biting, choking, the works.

2.Pablo. Met him at a bar while I was being a "sexy goth cougar". I was playing wingman for this girl who wanted to talk to his friend (who turned out to be gay). Spanish, crazy accent and went to Duke. I was extremely intoxicated when I opened with "are you a homosexual?" I was being a complete psychopath that night and gave his drink to the bartender to toss. Still, he asked me for my number. We went out on a date and made out PDA style at a few bars. I tossed him in the "datable" pile, so I didn't bang. I don't fuck on the first date. It didn't go anywhere, which is probably a good thing. I don't think I'd want to spend the rest of my life saying "what?".

I'm actually not sure what this has to do with my "fap folder"...Oh yeah! It's easier to masturbate. I've been pretty neurotic lately about sex, so whenever I start to feel anxious about failed fucks, dating dilemmas, I double click on "!Masto-Blasto!" and stare at Marc from Barcelona's frighteningly huge cock.